HBS Admissions Information Session Marred by Brawl
Cambridge, MA – The parents of two prospective Harvard Business School applicants incited a brawl at a campus admissions information session last week where a scramble for limited seating led to physical confrontation. Campus security was brought in to restore calm. The admissions event, meant to engage prospective applicants for the Class of 2012, was standing-room only due to the unusual number of parents in attendance. Harvard Business School’s Director of Admissions, Dee Leopold, commented, “We understand that parents want the best for their children, and we’re used to phone calls and the occasional interview chaperone, but we’ve never seen so many parents show up for an event – nor have we ever needed to involve campus security!” When asked how the school will handle future information sessions, Leopold replied, “It’s always been clear to my colleagues and I that these events are not intended for parents – as bringing mom and dad along reflects poorly on the maturity of prospective candidates, but we may need to formally restrict parental participation going forward.” Leopold also expressed her concern over the number of ‘unaccompanied’ prospective applicants who were bullied out of the lecture hall and discouraged from applying to HBS by overzealous parents looking to ensure their children have less competition.
MIT Sloan Adding New, Cutting Edge Professors
Cambridge, MA – David Schmittlein, Dean of MIT’s Sloan School of Management, announced in a press conference yesterday that the school plans on installing three new professors in the fall of 2009. While changes to faculty are not unusual in top MBA programs, the addition of these particular teachers, who will instruct required curriculum courses such as Economic Analysis for Business Decisions, is a truly historical moment for business schools around the world. The professors in question, with lightning quick synapses and incredible amounts of memory at their disposal, have no formal education to speak of, and yet are incredibly well-prepared to educate Sloan’s students in all aspects of their business educations. This is, of course, because the new members of the faculty are robots engineered in MIT’s Artificial Intelligence Laboratory. “The folks in the Humanoid Robotics Group have been incredibly open to, and excited about, working on our request for robot professors with the ability to interface directly, independently and at a high level with graduate students.” said Schmittlein. All three of these posts are tenure track and Schmittlein mentioned that he expects to see more and more robots in the MIT Sloan classroom each year going forward. Steven D. Eppinger, Deputy Dean of (human) faculty at MIT Sloan was unavailable for comment.
Changes in International Travel for Kellogg Students
Orlando, FL – In light of the economic crisis, many leading business schools have been scaling back the international components of their programs to cut costs and ease the financial burden on students. The latest sign of this comes from Northwestern’s Kellogg School of Management, where all KWESTs (Kellogg Worldwide Experience and Service Trips) have been canceled in favor of a single domestic destination: Epcot Theme Park. “We realized that week-long trips to Singapore or London in this current economic landscape didn’t make financial sense,” said Jarrod Kady, President of the KWEST Executive Committee. “We thought about it, and we asked ourselves: “Where can you get a truly global experience? You know, truly get a feel for the culture of another country, from its traditions to its cuisine while remaining in the U.S?” The answer, according to Kady, is Epcot Theme Park. “The greatest thing about this approach is that students can actually experience more cultures in less time!” The head of Wharton’s Global Immersion Program (GIP) could not be reached to comment on whether or not their program would be following Kellogg’s lead in this area.
MBAs Conclusively Identified as Root Cause of Economic Crisis
Washington, D.C. – MBAs lead the pack of responsible parties for the economic crisis, according to a recent study issued by BES (Business Education Skeptics), a progressive, Capitol Hill-based think tank. Using a double-blind study based on the differential between MBA salaries and typical wages for journalists covering the financial sector, the team of researchers deduced that a master’s in business administration is 93% responsible for the financial market collapse (the other 7% can be attributed to holders of the master’s in real estate degree). A related BES study also determined that greed is actually bad, putting an end to years of debate and speculation about commonly held assumptions in the MBA classroom. “I know that the average American follows the more Gekkonian line of thought – the whole ‘Greed Is Good’ sort of rationale – but our study conclusively showed the opposite to be true,” said Darby Crashe, BES’s Deputy Director. Crashe also indicated that his organization is currently studying the links between MBA graduates and ozone layer depletion as well as the ways that the MBA degree provides a breeding ground for radical regimes and global terrorism.
Getting into B-School Can Be a Cruise, Sometimes
Los Angeles, CA – Tom Cruise recently issued a video press release announcing his acceptance into four premier business schools. Cruise proudly claimed that he gained entry into these schools despite a GMAT score of 470 and a refusal to discuss his career goals in any of his application essays. “The way I see it is this: I’m Tom Cruise; I’m kind of a big deal. I have played an entrepreneur in countless movies…Risky Business? Check. Rain Man? Yup. Far and Away? Well, in that film I was more of a frontiersperson, but you see what I mean—I totally can get into the mindset of a savvy business person. Oh and let’s not forget Jerry McGuire – I know all about mission statements and corporate responsibility!” Cruise did not divulge the names of the schools in question, but said he had narrowed the field to two schools, one on the east coast and one on the west. “I’m wondering if they’d be willing to let me go back and forth between them. I think it would be amazing to experience a bi-coastal business experience, I really do.” No word yet on how Cruise would deal with potential on-location filming vs. classroom commitment conflicts.
Happy April Fool’s!
The Clear Admit Team
(for more April Fool’s fun: 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004)
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